In Lieu of Flowers??? The History and Importance of Flowers at a Funeral

The arrangement and placement of flowers around the dead is humankind's oldest tribute, the oldest form of memorialization, the oldest act of mourning.  Throughout history, flowers have been used to symbolize every aspect of the life cycle, from birth through death. For example, the fragility of life is symbolized by the flowers. To grow and expand, flowers require the proper conditions. The same is true for human beings. In death, flowers are used to symbolize how the beauty of creation is temporary; as surely as the flower must be cut from the stem, so it is with human life.


Role of Flowers

Flowers create a background of warmth and beauty, which adds to the dignity and consolation of the funeral service. Following the service, the bereaved are left with an indelible impression, or memory picture of the funeral. The more comforting the memory picture, the more easily it is recalled by the bereaved and the more vivid is the reinforcement of the reality of loss. Flowers do not wither and die in the mind of the bereaved; they are recalled time and again as indelible memories. Conversely, those who have attended service where there were no flowers, have expressed the feeling that something was missing, that the funeral was depressing.  Flowers are not only for the living. They are also for the dead. Americans traditionally have expressed their respect for the deceased by sending flowers, which honors the dead and console the living.

In Lieu of Flowers???

The death of a family member or close friend is one of life's most painful episodes. Those in mourning need support and most of us are anxious to find some way to comfort them. One of the most appropriate and appreciated ways to express sympathy and compassion, as well as respect for the deceased, is by sending flowers.

Occasionally, the obituary announcement includes the phrase "In lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to...". Often times, this terminology is used to encourage charitable gifts but not necessarily to discourage other expressions. Most families sincerely appreciate all personal expressions and may later regret having too few flowers at the funeral. It is important that each giver make their own choice and many people are choosing to send a floral remembrance to the service or family home as well as a donation to the charity indicated. While a monetary donation is a worthy tribute, there is really no substitute for beautiful flowers at a sympathy service. They comfort the living as they commemorate the lives of the deceased.

Study after study have shown the importance of flowers in the Bereavement Process, yet obituaries continue to have this statement. Florists all over the country look at this statement as another negative attack on one of God's most beautiful gifts to mankind, Flowers. As part of making funeral arrangements, family members sometimes select a charity or other organization to receive financial contributions given in memory of the deceased. Occasionally this request is made "in lieu of flowers." Funeral directors who recognize the important contribution flowers can make to the traditional service are concerned that the solicitation is worded tactfully. They realize that florists hope the charity can be identified in a phrase that does not single out the floral industry in a negative manner. Funeral directors may also be asked to comply with newspaper obituary guidelines which prohibit discriminatory phrases. Choosing one of the suggested alternative phrases which simply eliminates the expression "in lieu of flowers", achieves three important goals. It honors the family request for a charity, meets the high standards for a charity, meets the high standards of good taste and decorum insisted upon by most funeral directors and does not dictate to friends the manner in which they express their sympathy.

These Phrases are Suggested:

• The family suggests memorial contributions be sent to....
• Should friends desire, contributions may be sent to....
• Memorials may be made to the charity of your choice.
• The .... Memorial has been established for those wishing to contribute.
• As an expression of sympathy, memorial contributions may be sent to....
• The family has designated the .... for memorial contributions.
• Remembrances may be made in the form desired by friends.
• Memorial contributions may be made to....
• Flowers are welcome Contributions may be sent to....

Steve Huth

Source: Todd Van Beck "In Lieu of Flowers.com"